Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Awkward Girl

I've always been a little skittish around people. Growing up I never really had a ton a friends and the ones that I did have were a lot like me, hanging out in the background of popularity, content to live in the shadows. There were a few reasons for this, but mostly it all falls back on myself and my own self conciseness, or rather lack there of.

As a result of being content to live that way when I was younger, I never had to opportunity to learn how to approach people and make friends easily. I'm the awkward, shy girl. I'm the girl who isn't comfortable in her own skin when I'm around people whom I don't know on a personal level. I go through the motions that I see others do, but my results are always feeble and weak. I'm not a charismatic person and people defiantly do not gravitate towards me. I have a very hard time making friends and finding an equal footing in life.

When I was younger I convinced myself that it was all just a phase and that actually I was the one who was choosing not to be friendly with the masses, when in reality I was crippled by what I later found out was anxiety. Funny how we do that to ourselves, mentally turn the tables in our own favor to make an otherwise shitty situation a little better. I thought as I got older and experienced life more that the shyness and aloof-ness would just fade away and I would magically turn into a confidant woman who just so happens to be a social butterfly. Unfortunately that is not me. Not at all. And now I'm wise enough to not even bother trying to trick myself into making my awkwardness something better than it is. I'm still that standoffish, strange girl that I was when I was a teenager. People don't flock to me, and often times I find myself un-included in things. And it still stings just as much now as it did when I was a little girl.

I hid behind this blog. I know I do. But even here, where I feel free most of the time, I see friends that I've made and friends that I've lost and friends that I've just drifted apart from. There is no separation from my online "life" and my real life, my awkwardness and anxiety seeps into everything that I do, be it physical or digital.

I struggle with this every day. And it's a real and valid struggle. I have a handful of friends left, and more acquaintances than I care to count. I'm bound by my lack of social skills and incapacitated by fear.

I combat it, these things that make up who I am but also who I wish I was not. I battle them all with prayer. I know in my heart that I need to be happy with the person whom God created me to be, and so each and every night before I drift off to sleep I pray for the strength to own that person completely and to be happy with her. I pray for the strength to live my life positively and to be able to reach out to others. It's hard, but I'm fighting. I don't want to live my life in the shadows anymore and I don't want to have to hide behind anything or anyone. So how does one gain confidence?


AlyGatr said...

What a beautiful, honest post! If it means anything, I count you as a friend. You are so loving, talented and have so many wonderful things to say. While I don't exactly think I've ever imagined you to be the Lady Gaga, "hey world you need to stand up and look at ME" type, until you started blogging about it, I never pictured you as an awkward person. I know how you feel though. I've grown up being "that weird kid" that people couldn't exactly figure out. The thing was, I wanted (and still do for the most part) desperately to have people think I was fun and outgoing and want to be my friend. I think the only difference is I've always been the one to, in my own passive aggressive way, try to make friends. I'm sure there are many times where I've tried too hard. I don't have a huge circle of friends, but the ones I have are awesome people. Blogging has helped me make all new friends and even given me a chance to meet some of them in person. With me, I've learned either I hit it off right away or it's pretty much a lost cause. I know a lot of people think I'm a little too weird for them to waste their time and some accept the weird as just being me...and some are just as weird as me :) I know not having a lot of close friends can feel lonely. I don't have a single close friend who lives near by to visit and hang out with and it makes me sad. If it weren't for the Net, I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with the friends I have far away. I'm thankful for that.

ElegantSnobbery said...

*waves* Hi! I'm a friend! And unfortunately for you, I stick around like herpes. You can repress me, but alas, you can't make me go away forever :D

Lacey said...

I could literally copy and paste this post and use it as my own. I won't...just saying...I could. I have a very similar problem. I've been learning to accept it and embrace it. I'm still learning how to do that though. It's not easy.

Thanks for sharing such an honest and revealing post. I feel like I know you so much better and I can relate to you - nothing wrong with that.

Nen said...

i am so with you... i feel like that was me writing this post. i always seemed to hide in the shadow of my thinner, more beautiful cousin... who was my closest friend growing up. i was always too shy to make friends... yet she was always out there (and still is) making friends with everyone. made me feel like the outcast, ugly duckling. unfortunately, though i've been handling my anxiety a lot better these days, i still lack the skills of friend-making... so i live my life day to day with my dog and cat... and cory when he is home. sometimes phone calls with my mom and sis... but that's about it. talk about lonely! if you find out how to gain ones confidence, i hope you will share... because i am at a complete loss!!! (thank goodness for the internet)

Denise Felton said...

Were we separated at birth (a few decades apart)?

I hear you. I hope you can hear me: Your online persona is witty, creative, compassionate, warm, and friendly. It's who you are. I flocked to your blog because I want your wisdom, humor, and honesty every day. I'm so glad you're a part of my life.

You must choose what is right for you. But anti-anxiety meds changed my life. Really. I used to be ashamed of this "crutch." Now I'm just grateful. I don't want to give all that energy to anxiety; there's creating to be done!

*hugging you*