Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Storms of This Life

Saturday October, 29th - 10 inches of snow

I've been meaning to sit down and write about my blog absence for awhile now.  But one day turned into one week, and one week turned into one month and so on and so on.  I'd like to say that that I've been too busy to do it, but the truth is I am embarassed by what happened and it hasn't been something that I am eager to share.  And if I'm being honest right now, it's still up in the air as to whether I'll actually hit the publish post button when I'm done.

It is currently 12:58 am.  Everyone in the house is long since asleep, but I am still awake and will be until the sleeping pills I took ten minutes ago start to kick in.  I hate that I have to take them to fall asleep, after I spent months and months weaning myself off of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  I absolutely loathe having to rely on some kind of chemical for my body to perform what should be normal functions.  It makes me mad.  But my brain just won't shut off when I lay my head down at night without them.  So I take them, faithfully.  If I kid myself into thinking that I don't need the pills then I end up back up and out of bed, wide awake, just like tonight.

I've posted about our house a lot on here.  I've wrote about our love for it and the land surrounding it.  I've shared pictures of the beauty that we've been lucky enough to be surrounded with, where my kids can run and play.  For three years it's been more than a house, it's been a home.

This house used to be my husbands great uncles.  As he got older he was unable to take care of the property and was eventually moved into a nursing home.  Needing someone equipped to care for the land and wanting it to stay in the family the house was offered to us.  And of course we jumped at the oppertunity.  Mike grew up here, spending his mornings and afternoons here with his great aunt and uncle while his mom worked.  This house is special to him, and because of that it was special to me.

Three years later the "We want to keep the house in the family." turned into "We'd like to retire early and our selling the house.  Please leave."

Trust me, I know.  It's a pretty awful thing to do.  What's more awful is that we don't have any place to go. There are literally no places to rent in the school district that my boys go to, and our credit sucks too bad to buy.  We've even been looking in the surrounding areas, but have came up with a big bunch of nothing.  We are looking, quite agressively.  But even if we do find someplace to move to it may very well break us fininacially.  There is first and last month rent to consider, a security deposit, heating oil (because most of the property around here is reliant on oil, which is purchased in bulk per season), not to mention the holidays that are right around the corner along with both Brayden and Gage's birthdays.  But still, we'd have to find a place first before we can even begin to worry about all of that.

I'll be honest, my faith is shaken.  It's been months now without any progress.  And in an effort to force us to leave the house we're currently in our "family" has driven the rent up to an astronomical amount.  Add to that my extreme ability to constantly worry about things and you've pretty much got someone who is an emotional mess.

But I am trying to smile, for the sake of my kids.  And I am trying to distract myself and my family with things going on, such as all of the Halloween festivities.  But the truth is, I have pretty much abandoned my blog because everying else happening right now seems so insignificant compared to this storm right now and even though I'd love to sit down to my laptop and type all about our happy life I just can't move passed the pain of what's happening to us right now.  Because if I did, it will be totally half assed, as my last few sporadic posts so clearly demonstrate.

I'm mad as hell.  My husband works so hard.  He has not one but two awesome jobs and his only goal in life is so support his family.  My boys don't deserve to be bounced around from one home to another either.  All we've ever done is love this place with our whole hearts.  And yet it seems that was never enough. I have no idea what's next.  None at all.  But if you've been wondering where I've been, there you have it.  I've been trapped in a crappy situation and have been too busy worrying over where to go from here. 

Please pray.


CourtneyKeb said...

Sometimes the words "Don't pray for lighter burdens, pray for stronger backs." echos inside of my head when I'm begging the Lord to lessen my load, and although his will for me and my will for myself don't always match up, I know that it is an honor to have him build my strength, and it is refreshing to cast my anxiety onto Him, and trust that he will take care of us.

I prayed for you this morning, and will be praying for your family today.

God's awesome, and soon we'll see His work in your situation. :)

Aimee said...

Just wanted to say that there are people out here in "cyberworld" checking your blog now and then that are amazed at your strength, courage and all around awesomeness. I don't know you, but I know you on your blog. And i know that you will get through this, and whatever tomorrow brings. For you are a child of God and he will never give you more than you can handle...I think you already know that. Be strong! You are in my prayers:)

Chana@ Mamma Town said...

Amanda, I am so sorry. I really don't have any words to express how deeply I ache for you at this moment. I can't imagine how you must feel. I can totally understand your frustration and anger at the moment. Just please keep praying and I promise this will all work out. God can dream a bigger dream than you can ever imagine. I know it's hard to trust that, but it's true. You CAN get through this and your faith will be that much stronger. Just keep trying, keep open and wait. I will pray for you every day! Please keep us posted. I think of you are a "real" friend and I'll be worried sick about you, but hopeful that you will be taken care of! xoxoxo