Friday, April 15, 2011

Being Enough

Yesterday was a bad day. 

I've been completely off of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressiant medicines for something like 4 or 5 months now, and that alone is amazing.  It took a lot of work, but I sucessfully replaced the majority of my fears with a love so amazing that it can't be contained.  The few problems that I still have left, a slight shyness and worrisome nature, I've leaved to handle on my own with out living in the fog that taking daily medications brings.  My outlook is brighter now and my body doesn't feel weighed down .  I'm happy.  And that emotion is all my own, not one a bunch of little pills tell me to have.  And authentic happiness trumps manufactured happiness any day.

Unfortunatly the price that I pay to be unmedicated means that I occasionally have bad days.  They are extrememly rare, but when they come I need to take a step back and reevaluate.  I need to recognize the symptoms that are coming and choose joy, because if I don't I will slip under. 

Yesterday I slipped under, and I'm ashamed.  I chose to get caught up in a bunch of completely invalid feelings and throw myself a pity party, to which I invited my entire family.  The details aren't important, because like I said, my reasoning were so off the mark that it was laughable.  But still, I succumed to the blackness that I've spent so long fighting off.

Today is a new day, though.  And even though I lost yesterdays fight I will continue this war on depression and anxiety that I've been caught up for the last 4 years.  It's a part of who I am.  It may not be a pretty part, but it is in fact a part of me reguardless.  I will always be this, that awkward girl who sometimes gets sad or nervous.  But I'm also more than that too.  I'm a wife and a mom who is madly in love with her family.  I'm a friend and a sister.  I have hobbies that I love and a passion for many different things.  Most importatly though, I'm a daughter of Christ who has helped me rise against Satan whispering in my ear, telling me that I'm not enough. 

Because even though I have days where I wallow in false truths, I AM enough.  And I know that.


AlyGatr said...

It's times like this I wish I could be right next to you to give you a hug! I've watched my Mom's only sister be bound to such meds her entire life to a point where she can neither physically or mentally be without them and it's sad. You are a brave, brave soul for takng the monumental step to do without them. Be kind to yourself and know that you will have down days...and that's OK. The good news is it sounds like you know how to get yourself back into an up swing. I'm always here (though not right next to you) if you ever need a pick me up!

chambanachik said...

I've been feeling the same way- so this was a great reminder for me, too.

Chana@ Mamma Town said...

Oh you dear girl.

I too, have been off my anxiety medicine for almost a year and a half. And I totally relate to this, because it is so so hard. I suffer more with anxiety than depression, but still feel I can understand where you are coming from. This flu sent my anxiety into complete overload, to the point where I was thinking the most horrible and morbid thoughts. It's a challenge, but so worth it for us to rest on God to provide! Happy you were brave enough to share! xoxoxo

Erin said...

This has inspired me that one day I can get off my meds. It will take a lot of work, but totally be worth it.

CourtneyKeb said...

With Him behind you you can conquer anything, and even knowing that, it's okay to fall down sometimes. :)