Tuesday, December 14, 2010
To Be Loved
Back when I was in high school, and heck college and middle school and forever actually, I didn't have a giant grouping of friends. The ones I did have were on the outer edge of what was considered popular. But we were all a fairly close knit group. A sort of band of misfits.
I thought that by now I wouldn't care about being included or well liked or part of a group. Yet, I continue to find my own inequality everywhere I look. It's literally everywhere I look. At MOPs, where I am the only one in my group who chooses not to home school or who didn't breastfeed. It's at the grocery store where I buy my kids sugar filled fruit snacks rather than actual fruit (which, for the record, we do by actual fruit too). Heck it's even here in the blog world, where I read about all of these mothers who have it all together while most days I, myself, as falling apart at the seams.
Every single time that one of my hard earned friendly advances goes unnoticed or unreciprocated a little piece of me is hurt. Sometimes a lot. Believe me, you can ask my poor husband about the many times that I have cried to him about just wanting to be liked. It seems like for my entire life I've been running around in circles, trying desperately to figure out what it is that I lack, just what is it about me that makes people move on so quickly. Why am I always the one in the room that is the first to be forgotten about? Why can't I be a people magnet too? How does one obtain charisma?
This is all pretty lame huh? I mean, who every would have thought that a married mother of two still struggles with this sort of teenage drama. And I honestly wish I could say that I'm writing this in response to some amazing personal breakthrough that I've had. But that's just not the case. This is a daily occurrence for me. I lack self esteem. I know that. But getting it and feeling at peace with who I am continues to baffle me.
And so I pray. I pray for guidance and ask that my eyes are opened to the fact that I was created this way for a purpose because God does not make mistakes. I ask for self acceptance and strength.
I'm not saying that I am not richly blessed. Because I am, more so than a lot of people and believe me, I do recognize that. And I am so incredibly thankful for the friendships that I do have because they are wide and run deep. I know that they are real and sure and true. I am happy in a life I don't deserve. I have a husband that is more amazing than anything I could have ever dreamed of and two boys that are more precious to me than all the world.
I just hope that I can be more confident in owning who I am and that I can allow that confidence to sharpen me into what it is and who it is that God designs me to be. I want to love and be loved just as I am. Crazy awkwardness and all.