Tuesday, December 14, 2010

To Be Loved

Back when I was in high school, and heck college and middle school and forever actually, I didn't have a giant grouping of friends. The ones I did have were on the outer edge of what was considered popular. But we were all a fairly close knit group. A sort of band of misfits.

I thought that by now I wouldn't care about being included or well liked or part of a group. Yet, I continue to find my own inequality everywhere I look. It's literally everywhere I look. At MOPs, where I am the only one in my group who chooses not to home school or who didn't breastfeed. It's at the grocery store where I buy my kids sugar filled fruit snacks rather than actual fruit (which, for the record, we do by actual fruit too). Heck it's even here in the blog world, where I read about all of these mothers who have it all together while most days I, myself, as falling apart at the seams.

Every single time that one of my hard earned friendly advances goes unnoticed or unreciprocated a little piece of me is hurt. Sometimes a lot. Believe me, you can ask my poor husband about the many times that I have cried to him about just wanting to be liked. It seems like for my entire life I've been running around in circles, trying desperately to figure out what it is that I lack, just what is it about me that makes people move on so quickly. Why am I always the one in the room that is the first to be forgotten about? Why can't I be a people magnet too? How does one obtain charisma?

This is all pretty lame huh? I mean, who every would have thought that a married mother of two still struggles with this sort of teenage drama. And I honestly wish I could say that I'm writing this in response to some amazing personal breakthrough that I've had. But that's just not the case. This is a daily occurrence for me. I lack self esteem. I know that. But getting it and feeling at peace with who I am continues to baffle me.

And so I pray. I pray for guidance and ask that my eyes are opened to the fact that I was created this way for a purpose because God does not make mistakes. I ask for self acceptance and strength.

I'm not saying that I am not richly blessed. Because I am, more so than a lot of people and believe me, I do recognize that. And I am so incredibly thankful for the friendships that I do have because they are wide and run deep. I know that they are real and sure and true. I am happy in a life I don't deserve. I have a husband that is more amazing than anything I could have ever dreamed of and two boys that are more precious to me than all the world.

I just hope that I can be more confident in owning who I am and that I can allow that confidence to sharpen me into what it is and who it is that God designs me to be. I want to love and be loved just as I am. Crazy awkwardness and all.


Alicia said...

I read this and feel like I was reading something I posted myself. I struggle with the exact same things. I'm not the most outgoing so in a way for me I figure its my fault for being the one forgotten or left out...but it still hurts when things always seem to turn out this way. Praying for you!! Alicia

tessica said...

mandie- i think you have the secret that a lot of people have never figured out--that what matters when someone likes you is that they like YOU! not you playing who you think they want you to be...just plain you in all your glorious "awkwardness" as your put it! i think that is a huge thing!
and i would totally be your friend irl! :)

Jen said...

First off, I am definitely not one of those moms that have it all together...and I hope I don't come across like that in *my blog. LOL. Honestly, most days I don't feel like a very good mom. I yell too much and I don't think I know how to just have fun with my kids and as sad as that makes me, I can't seem to change it :o(.

As far as fitting in....right now I have one close friend (my BEST friend) and I love over an hour away from her now. I'm not close to anyone else from high school and only keep in touch with some of them via Facebook and what they post or if they comment on my posts. I sometimes don't feel like I fit in or belong, either.

I just wanted to tell you, you're not alone!

Chana said...

Please remember in "blog world" most post what they want us to see or know. And when we see a post that makes us feel less than, most times that is a fraction of their lives....and just the good part of the day:) YOU are one of those people I'm inspired by all the time. I'm jealous of your crafty abilities and thoughful actions.

I don't think you realize how many of us look up to YOU and YOUR blog and life:) I do, at least. I find myself turing toward your writing because it's always honest and real and your devotion to the Lord inspires me to step up my faith.

I just adore you:)

AlyGatr said...

I know how you feel. I've gone through life with the attitude that I didn't care who liked me and who didn't while deep down, I've always bent over backwards to get people to like me. My sister was the popular one, I was the weird one. People naturally gravitate to her, not so much to me. In the online world, I've struggled with the same issues. I say it doesn't bother me when I go unnoticed...but it does.

Not for nothing, but I love you to death and wish we lived closer because I would totally hang with you as much as you could stand me :)

Nen said...

i could have written this post myself.

my husband just asked last night if we would maybe want to start going to a bible study in the new year (then he remembered *new* baby... might not make that very convenient). as much as i would love to go to a bible study with him... my response was "i really wish i could find a young women's study where i can connect with women my own age." -- because, really... i'm alone A LOT. and i find myself feeling like the odd one out at places like church or "social things" we have to go to. it's very discouraging. i am definitely blessed to have a great husband, but sometimes i long for female friendship! perhaps it's why i'm so into snail mail... i keep in touch with my "girlfriends" thru the post because we live so far away. *sigh* i don't know.

i will pray for you... because i know exactly how you feel!!

Lauren said...

I struggle with the same things.

Tiffany said...

I struggle with these same things. I always wonder how everyone else can keep it together and be so outgoing, yet I feel like I struggle getting it together. I've learned that I can't compare myself with others though. I have to just focus on myself and my family and do what's best for them. If others don't like it than oh well for them. Just be yourself and people will flock to you and respect you for being genuine. You and I would get along very well!! HA. Hope you're having a great day!