Thursday, June 10, 2010
On My Own
I've talked about my anxiety pretty openly here before. I have an extremely hard time doing a lot of the everyday things that a normal person would take for granted. If I'm feeling lazy and want to order a pizza for the family for dinner, my husband has to make the call. If I've somehow forgotten to pay a bill and am in a time pinch when it comes to avoiding late fees either Mike calls the payment in or I pay it online. If I need to run into Wal-Mart or the grocery store for milk or other daily necessities Mike will either stop on his way home from work and pick the item up or I'll uproot my entire family and we'll all go to the store together because I can't be alone in such a populated place. I have very few real life friends because I physically cannot put myself out there in order to make more and I avoid social situations where there will be people that I don't know like the plague. There's more, but I think that maybe you get the idea. This sucks.
My husband is so incredibly supportive, and I'm thankful each and every day for it, because each and every day this anxiety affects me and in turn affects the daily habits of my family. Brayden is starting to get to the age where he'll whine about having to leave behind his toys and video games to make a family trip to the store, something that he really shouldn't have to be subjected to in the first place. Gage is just happy to be where I am. Everyday this is what it's like, seeing how I'm crippling myself and causing others around be to format to my idiosyncrasies.
Believe it or not though, I used to be an outspoken social butterfly. I'm not sure what happened to change that, but I desperately miss that girl. I need to get some part of her back into my life. I think that's what I was originally attempting to do when I started this blog. I found myself a somewhat self means of self expression, which has truly been like therapy to me, and while I do have to find myself accountable here and as much as I try to convey the person that I am, am I not just once again hiding, this time behind a computer? The pressure of physical connection isn't there. There are no reactions in blog-land, no uncertainty, no awkward first impressions. If you don't like what I'm saying, you simply click right on through. And up until now, this was suiting me just fine.
I don't feel as if I'm hiding myself from any of you anymore, because what I put here on my blog is real. It's me. And 156 people have decided that they find what I have to say as relevant, and it's because of that love and acceptance that I feel empowered to post these personal posts here. I may not know most of you all in person, but you are all most defiantly my friends, those that comment, those that lurk, those that follow, those that subscribe, and those that come back for more. I love you all, truly I do.
Lately I've been making a very real and very honest attempt to step outside of my comfort zone integrate myself into a world that I've been viewing from the outside for far too long now. I've joined my church contemporary choir, which sings at the weekend services once a month and rehearses in between. And my church is by no means small. It's a populated place that also shows it's services on public cable television. So I'm quite literally singing to thousands of people. It was terrifying. Now it's normal. I've also been trying to be more active in terms of associating with my friends. Where as before I would politely decline invites that included being around a lot of people I'm now accepting, and having so much fun as a result. I know that my steps are small, but to me they are mighty.
I'm still socially awkward, and will probably always be so, but now I'm starting to function on my own in situations where I would normally hide behind someone else. It's a steep hill and I'm climbing it slowly, but at least I'm headed in the right direction. And I'm doing it all on my own.