Giving it to God

I've had this post written a thousand and one times in my head and before I knew it it's been something like a month since I've last checked in here.  I've having a hard time organizing my thoughts and I knew I couldn't post anything else until I got this out, I just never anticipated that it would take so long.  I apologize for my absence.

In March of 2011 I cornered my husband.  Around that time I had been feeling very strongly that God was calling us to expand our family.  I had been dropping little hints here and there for months, telling Mike that I wanted to have another baby but I was always met with some resistance.  That day in March though, we sat down for hours and really discussed it. 

While Mike was slightly apprehensive about having another little one, it was because I had two fairly rough pregnancies with both Brayden and Gage and he was worried about me.  Aside from that, we were both on the same page and we both decided that it would be best to go with a Give it to God approach.  If it was meant for us to have another baby, God would take care of it.  That way there would be no planning or stressing on our part.

Soon my IUD was removed and we were on our way.  I secretly imagined us getting pregnant right away, rocking a new little baby to sleep at night, decorating a nursery.  I would browse etsy and totsy for hours, looking at all of the sweet little baby things and picturing them in our home, on our baby.

Weeks turned into months.  Months turned into a year.  And so on.

I didn't understand why things didn't move in the direction I was at this point so desperate for. We never had any sort of problem getting pregnant with either Brayden or Gage. I was emotional and angry. All around me friends were announcing their pregnancies, MOPs moms were rocking their newborns or showing off their beautiful round bellies, and I was being invited to showers to celebrate new little lives. My kids were getting older and I was stuggling see how a new baby would even now fit in our family dynamic thanks to the passing of time.

After my IUD was removed I had some strange side effects, the worst being a complete loss of having a monthly cycle.  And while many women would consider this a blessing, when you're trying to get pregnant it's a nightmare.  Even though I never officially got a period we were told by the doctor to go ahead and try for a baby.  And because I didn't have a regular monthly indicator to tell me whether or not I was pregnant, I found myself buying over the counter tests every few weeks like clockwork.  Months and months and months of negative results were gut wrenching and heartbreaking.  Each time I would spend the few minutes that it takes the test to work in prayer, pleading for this time to be the one with the positive result. But I never got it. I started to fall into a fairly deep depression.

In that time I had consulted my doctors office who had me seeing a practitioner.  On the first visit she told me everything was fine and we should just keep trying.  On the second visit she told me perhaps I was "too overweight to have a baby and that I should lose some weight first and then try again".  I left the office in tears that day, feeling like an enormous fool.

One afternoon I had apparently reached my breaking point.  Mike was at work and both Brayden and Gage were at school.  I was in the kitchen listening to KLOVE (Christian Radio) and cleaning.  I remember what happened next quite clearly, and it's something that I think I'll always in some way, shape, or form carry with me.  A story came on about a mom delivering her baby inside of a Wal-Mart, or something to that effect, that part isn't important.  What was important though was how sensitive I was at this point to anything baby related and upon hearing this seemingly innocent and sweet story something inside of me just snapped.  I starting crying, walking away from what I was doing and sitting down at the table in my dining room.  It was then and there, with wet soapy hands, that I prayed to God and begged him to take it all away.  I still desperately wanted to grow our family and I was still completely sure that this was the direction we were supposed to be headed in, but I had to find a way to get passed all of the hurt, anger, and jealousy that kept tripping me up.  So I prayed and asked God to give me the tools to let it all go.  And He did. 

After my horrible last doctor appointment and my emotional breakdown, Mike and I decided to just stick with the Give it to God plan.  We would keep going as we were, trying to get pregnant, and leaving it in His hands. 

Unfortunately, by this point, a year and a half had gone by since I had my IUD taken out and I had still yet to get period.  And in June I started to get deep pains in my pelvic region. 

I went to a new doctor.  And this time he took the time to listen to the past year and a half of my medical history.  Within the week I had an ultrasound done which determined that I have PCOS, making it very hard for me to ovulate regularly.  While this isn't the best news to hear when you're trying to have a baby, it was an absolute answer to prayer to finally have an answer to what had been going on with my body for so long.

I've spent the better part of this summer on fertility medicines.  One to make me regain my period, and one to make me ovulate, and hopefully get pregnant.  It's made me an emotional mess, the combination of the ordeal that I've gone through to get to this point and the hormonal effects of the medicines themselves. 

It was just my luck when I turned out to be allergic to one of the fertility medicines, causing me to be covered in angry looking, itchy red welts across the better part of my body.  I hadn't come this far to stop now though, and decided to continue taking the medicine anyways, dealing with the allergic reaction. 

The emotional highs and lows combined with the allergy have caused me to be something of a shut in for the better part of the Summer so far.  But my moods are finally starting to even out and the reaction is all but gone.  I'm hoping to spend the rest of the season making memories with my family and friends.

Am I pregnant?  No.
Will I ever be pregnant?  I honestly don't know.
Are we still trying?  Yes.

We are still Giving it to God.  Because He is faithful and He has a plan.