Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I like to be comfortable. You know, things the way that they are and the way that they have been. Dinner is always at 5:00. Sundays are always family days. I always shampoo my hair first in the shower before I do anything else. You get the idea, I like routine. I need routine.
Change in any capacity frightens the heck out of me. Maybe it's my anxiety disorder or maybe it's just my personality, but I always feel like I don't adapt well to stepping outside of my comfort zone. I keep closed off. It's easier that way with no real risk involved.
Recently though, I've been thinking about some of the things that I've missed out on thanks to my incessant need for consistency. And so I've been throwing myself head first into the pool of change, because even though I do love just sitting at home behind my laptop and typing away on my blog to all of you readers out there, I've been craving more. I only get this one life, and I don't want to look back at myself and regret not exposing myself to more things and different interests.
It's been a slow process, and one that I sometimes back track upon. But I'm putting myself out there. And it's hard. But it's also more fulfilling than I ever dreamed it would be. This time last year I was struggling to find a reason to change out of my pajamas everyday. And even though some days I still don't (because lets face it, pajama pants are comfy!)I am making an effort. And the rewards I've received have trumped that effort tenfold.
I've joined my church contemporary choir, reigniting a love for singing that I haven't felt in almost a decade. Singing was something I used to do every single day when I was younger, but as the the years moved on and priorities shifted I lost a little bit of who I was and what I loved.
I'm in MOPs now, and oh my goodness do I wish that I had joined years and years ago. I've met some incredible mothers there who have such big hearts. And the parenting information that I've gathered has saved my sanity a time or two.
I joined a small group at my church and also participated in a MOPs book study. Both were places where I've learned different ways that I can enrich myself and let go of some of my struggles thanks to having a savior who loves me unconditionally.
I went on a my church's woman's retreat and spend a weekend away from my family with 20+ other woman and did nothing but learn and laugh and give myself a time to recharge through fellowship.
And just yesterday I took a private voice lesson with this guy right here and overcame one of my biggest fears of singing alone in front of someone, on sheer willpower and the help of God alone. I might have croaked like a frog in fright for the first 15 minutes that I was there, but in the end I did it.
I'm listing these things because I'm proud of them. To me they are monumental. A year ago the thought of doing anyone of them would surely send me into overdrive and cause a panic attack of epic proportions. But today I feel proud. And that's a really cool thing.
There are still those days where the awkward girl that I am shines through, and that's ok. Sometimes in a group of people I'm still the one on the fringes sitting by herself and not participating. But I'm out of my house and I'm there and that is a huge achievement to me.
Today I feel ready to take on the world.
While I'm not exactly ready to sell all of my possessions and live out of an RV and roam the county, perhaps tonight we'll live a little and eat dinner at 5:30 instead of five.