Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Generally I try to keep my blog lighthearted, not really diving into too much heavy personal stuff. But truth be told, that's not at all reflective of my life. Heck, that's not really reflective of any ones life is it? Things happen, courses are changed, and often times life in general gets in the way. That's how I feel today.

I've been fairly open about my anxiety problems here, talking about my panic attacks and the assorted other symptoms that go along with it. Basically, it sucks. I get bent out of shape over small things that otherwise shouldn't and wouldn't matter to other people. I take medicine to try and control it, but really that only does so much and often times I'm left feeling like I'm in some sort of fog separate from everyone else. I apologize if this blog is a bit scattered, that's pretty much how my thoughts have been lately and I'm sure this will be reflective of that. It'll probably be loaded with grammatical errors too ... but this subject matter is such for me that I don't think I could go back and proof read it. Living it once was enough, let alone writing and re-reading it.

Over the past 6 weeks or so I've totally stopped sleeping entirely. I would try and try to relax and get comfortable and sleep, but I literally couldn't thanks in part to the random little things that would pop into my brain at night. Before I knew it the sun was rising and any chance at sleep that I had was long gone. I'd usually try and grab a nap (aka totally crash out of sheer exhaustion) for an hour or two after Mike got home from work.

Not sleeping is not fun. Not being able to sleep no matter what you do is much worse. This isn't the first time that this has happened to me and because of that I just brushed it off as part of the anxiety, hoping that the insomnia would pass in a few days as it always does. This time it did not.

After a few days not only was I tired, but my muscles and bones started to horribly ache and I was constantly cold thanks to the lack of circulation in my body. And I was irritable (although my husband would probably choose another choice word). My balance was off and I was finding it harder and harder to even walk across the house. I chalked it all up to sheer exhaustion.

Late last Tuesday evening at around 7pm I attempted to lay day and sleep. My upper arms and legs were throbbing, I had a horrible headache, and I needed to rest my body. So I crawled into my big comfy bed, fluffed my pillows and laid my head down to sleep. And like always I couldn't. Sleep just wouldn't come.

I'm not proud to admit that I freaked out. I was so tired and sore and all I wanted was to sleep and I just couldn't. I had a panic attack of massive proportions, so large that Mike had to take me to the Emergency Room where they pumped me full of medicine to calm me down.

The next day I finally went to my family doctor, after Mike called their office and insisted I go. Chances are if he wouldn't have done that I wouldn't have gone. Bad, I know, but doctors also give me panic attacks and to me not sleeping was the lesser of the two evils for those 6 weeks because I will go to extremes to avoid a panic attack.

My family doctor gave me some new medicine to take in addition to what I am already taking, one of which will help me to sleep at night. So far its working wonders and for the first time in what feels like a life time (it's funny how time passes when all of your days and nights run together) I feel rested.

My family doctor thought that it would be wise to run some additional tests as well, because what I was experiencing could be from more than just sheer exhaustion. So for the next two days I was in and out of the hospital, lab, and assorted doctor offices, having tons of blood work done not once but twice and an MRI.

Yesterday the doctors office called.

I have a tumor in my parathyroid gland.

A tumor! I blanked after that and dove right into another panic attack of massive proportions.

After calming down and talking to the nurse at my family doctors office I've found out that something like 96% of all parathyroid tumors are benign, thank God. I will need surgery to remove it at some point, but as long as the tumor isn't growing and the symptoms (all of which I had been experiencing and blaming on insomnia/anxiety) are not growing worse, removing it isn't going to be rushed.

Your parathyroid glands, which are in the front of your neck, regulate your body's calcium and other hormones. The reason behind my body aches, dizziness, and loss of balance is that my body is absorbing its calcium outside of the bones, leaving my bones weak. I have too much calcium in my blood right now and not enough in my bones.

So for now I'm playing a waiting game. I have to have more blood work done in a month to see if my calcium level has come down at all and then figure out surgery options, to see removing the tumor is something that has to be done right away or if I can take special vitamins and hold off for awhile.

In the mean time I just have to hope and pray that I'm not one of the other 4% of the people with Parathyroid Disease whose tumors are cancerous.

Chances are, it's not. Rationally I know that. But I worry, its what I do. I freak out so much over little things, that when a big thing like this comes it literally rocks my entire world.

I am humbly asking for as many prayers as I can get.


Jennette said...

Well you are in me and my families prayers.

AlyGatr said...

Oh Amanda...I'm so sorry you've been going through all of this. It has to be tough. HUGS.

The good news is you have a diagnosis...and a medication that is helping you. Hopefully you can hold off the surgery for as long as possible. I pray that you are in the 96%. My heart tells me you are :) I hope you get even more rest...and that you feel back to normal soon.

ElegantSnobbery said...

AMANDA! Oh my goodness, I will send mass quantities of good vibe and cancer-free thoughts out into the universe for you!!

{HUGS} to you and your family!!

Natalie said...

We'll be thinking and praying for you as well!

Chele said...

Wow...I'm so sorry to hear about your tumor. You know, everything is going to be ok. You're too stubborn to throw in the towel just yet!! :-) If you or the boys need anything, please let me know. I'll be glad to help out as much as possible. Even if it's just to give you some company. It'll be a lot easier to visit you once I officially move back up to Richland. It won't be so bad of a drive. You're in my prayers hun!

Tig said...

Oh honey, I hope everything works out for you! you're in my thoughts <3 I'll send out healthy vibes for you, too!

The Momma said...

Sending prayers and good vibes your way.

Kalina said...

I cannot put into words how much I wish I was there for you right now. At least now you know what is going on and steps are being taken to fix that. I am always here for you no matter what, and I love ya bunches!!

Marjorie said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...How scary!

Anonymous said...

I happened across your blog because I had been searching for information on Parathyroid disease. if you havent done so already, I suggest you look at parathyroid.com.

Christopher And Tia said...

Oh Amanda.

I've only dealt with insomnia in small bits during my pregnancies, and even then, after getting only 4 hours of sleep, I was a WRECK. I can't imagine. Literally, cannot imagine, not sleeping for days on end. I think ANYBODY would have freaked out. What a good husband you have, calling the doctor and making sure you be seen. And thank god they figured out what the heck is going on!! I do hope that your tumor is nothing too serious, and that it is removed without any bumps in the road. Do you have a round about idea of when your surgery might be?

Sharing something so personal is hard. But do you feel a little bit better after getting everything off your shoulders?

I hope you're feeling better Amanda.

Nen said...

I struggle with anxiety as well... although I hesitate to take medicine because I am hoping to start a family. I used to take meds... but they made me feel crazy--and coming off of them was AWFUL! It definitely isn't a day in the park to suffer from anxiety. Luckily, I don't have too many panic attacks... but I can totally relate to you. I will keep you in my prayers about your anxiety and about the tumor. It's a lot to have on your plate... but it looks like you have a lot of bloggy support!! :)

Whimsical Creations said...


Like aly said the good news is you have a diagnosis. Sending good vibes your way.

(I had a growth on my thyroid many years ago...they did a biopsy. Thankfully it was not cancerous. Very scary though. Hugs!)

Denise Felton said...

Honey, I hope you can feel my loving, healing thoughts surrounding you. You sound so much like me. Every time I get sick, I assume it's related to my stress/anxiety; and if I make a dr. appt., I keep checking myself. ("Do I really have a fever or am I just wound up?" "Is that sore spot still there [50 times a day]." So I hear you and I feel you. And I am SO glad your sweetheart elbowed you into a diagnosis. As for the tumor...yeah, that's pretty freakin scary. But somehow I have a good feeling about it -- that it will be easy to fix, and that you'll feel a TON better afterward.

*hugging you*