Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Anxiety in the Fog

Sometimes I feel a tremor in my universe. Perhaps a redirection. Maybe a tiny truth I’ve been missing. Something…what is it? Just outside of my grasp…and I stop, drop and role…so to speak.

Emotionally, physically and mentally everything grinds to a halt. (Heck, let’s throw in spiritually too.) Right after the “tremor” I can see it rolling in, there in the distance and before I know it I’m under a blanket of …something. I shut down and I freeze. Or maybe just go into slow and deliberate motion…

It rolled in last week. Something or the other came out of left field…not true, it came from inside, anyhoo, it’s familiar for me so I did what I always do… I started to batten down the hatches.

Here’s how that looks (for me)…I turn off the television and the radio and let the quiet of the house seep into me for hours at a time. I don’t talk. It’s probably a good thing The Husband is really tired when he gets home…

I go one day without eating anything, sipping just water and loving the feeling of being empty inside. I think more clearly sometimes without thoughts of food.

Then one day I bake. Cupcakes this particular day. And I let myself be comforted by the step by step instructions. I feel more ordered when I add the flour into the buttery sugary mixture. I’m utterly mesmerized by the simple action of folding colorful sprinkles into the caramel colored batter.

I read…read and read and read. Reading is my escape. My mental visit into someone else’s life. Sometimes I get answers there…right in the middle of a good story. Right in the middle of someone else’s life…God speaks to me that way on occasion…but don’t fret…

I also take time with God. Ask questions and try to listen. I journal. Read my Bible.

And, I exclude myself from everyone and everything around me. I continuously find busy work and clean random things around the house, keeping things all to myself without having to look anyone else in the eye. I expend all the energy I have. I sweat a lot and tire my muscles until they shake when I lift the water bottle to drink. Then I shower and pile the Gage into the bed with me, smack in the middle of the day, and together we take a nap.

And sometimes I cry. Just a good long sobbing cry.

And each day I wake and hope the fog will be gone. But as of the time I’m writing this, it still weighs heavy on me. I’ve always had these times and although it’s not always been this way, I’m fortunate now, that I have the luxury of downtime. To be able to pause. Without having to go to work or taxi little ones around. I always come away from these time-outs with something I needed to begin with.

It is what it is, oh how everyone loves to say this…but it’s true.

It is what it is.

I know from experience that “what it is” will pass. Burn off, like thick, heavy early morning fog leaving me with fresh vision and pristine crystal clear focus.

But for sometimes it’s foggy in my world and lately I've been low on energy and motivation.

I do think that the fog is clearing now, though.


ElegantSnobbery said...

Aw, I hope your fog clears super fast!! I don't have fogs, but I do feel lost sometimes. I'm not a spiritual person, but often wish I was, just so I'd have a comforting place to be when I'm feeling lost.

Glad you know how you tick and what makes you feel better, Amanda!!

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